The question and ongoing theme for the past few days has been 'How much patience does Jen have?"
The answer: Next to none right now.
I hope Friday brings Peace, because I am already grasping at straws for my sanity. The older I get the more I realize things that bother me and other people's ignorance is getting harder and harder to ignore. I do not understand where the pursuit for knowledge stops in some of these peoples' lives. It's as if they went to college and then went 'Well, time to shut my brain off.' Even worse still, they are completely irreverent to their mistakes and make no attempts at ensuring they dont happen again.
I may not have done great in the conventional learning environment, but I am always reading, learning, and interested in things that happen in the world around me. I actually had to explain to someone today that Palestine and Israel are different than Pakistan and Afganistan. Seriously?
I also find myself thinking a lot about peoples chronology of self a lot. I wonder what things made them who they are, and what their defining moments in life were. What shapes them..? In life, as we overcome our struggles we build our own character. The journey is just as interesting to me as the destination.
My journey has not been an easy one, but I am completely self-satisfied. Are you?
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
There and back again....Okay, I'm not Bilbo Baggins but it is an end to a decade
I'm sitting here in my living room/bed room in the dark (well, there is the TV and Christmas lights) reflecting about the past 10 years. I have read a few friends similar reflections today/tonight and feel compelled to share as well. Normally, I save this stuff for my blog but I'll make an exception for this.
In this past decade I...
1) Played my first show at the Tustin Marketplace
2) Toured across the country and saw all sorts of historical landmarks (Mt. Rushmore, visited Yellowstone and watched Old Faithful erupt)
3) Moved across the country for love
4) Experienced complete heartbreak from aforementioned love
5) Had my first two jobs in childcare ranging from ages 0-12 years old
6) Traveled to Tahiti (and her various islands) twice
7) Experienced several losses of life that I will never forget.
Walking out on the life I had created in 2003-2005 was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I was humiliated, ashamed, and scorned. Not many people know this, but when I came home I searched for a job and in 2 weeks I found one, working at a Nail Salon filling pedicure bowls. Once I received my last paycheck from Five Seasons I lived off of that for 3 months. When I arrived in CA from living in Iowa, I had 8 dollars to name. Financially and emotionally I was a mess....-then I met Dean.
Dean changed my life. He made every bad thing I went through worth it because I finally had someone who authentically loved me. Once the love part of my life got sorted out, I got my job at Legends and started to truly rebuild my life. The rest is history. On January 30th, 2010 Dean proposed to me and what followed was the craziest and most emotional ride of my life- but it led up to my Wedding.
Without being too mushy I will just say that I am the happiest I have ever been and my life is so fulfilling and meaningful because of the people in it.
To my Mom and Dad- I love you more than words could ever say and credit you both to determining what kind of person I have become.
To my Family- As I get older I feel like I get to know everyone better and I am excited to see what the years have in store for us. I love you.
To my Friends both New and Old- I am so grateful for your presence in my life, whether it is over the phone in a text/call, on the internet, in a game, or in person- I love you guys too.
"I need a purpose and I need a reason, I need to know there is trophy and meaning to all we lose and all we fight for-to all our loves and our wars."
I found beautiful purpose and reason in my life, in all of you and more so in myself. I intend on holding onto it with both hands for another decade, and many more to come. Here's to 2011.
Cheers.
-Jennifer Noelle Johnson
In this past decade I...
1) Played my first show at the Tustin Marketplace
2) Toured across the country and saw all sorts of historical landmarks (Mt. Rushmore, visited Yellowstone and watched Old Faithful erupt)
3) Moved across the country for love
4) Experienced complete heartbreak from aforementioned love
5) Had my first two jobs in childcare ranging from ages 0-12 years old
6) Traveled to Tahiti (and her various islands) twice
7) Experienced several losses of life that I will never forget.
Walking out on the life I had created in 2003-2005 was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I was humiliated, ashamed, and scorned. Not many people know this, but when I came home I searched for a job and in 2 weeks I found one, working at a Nail Salon filling pedicure bowls. Once I received my last paycheck from Five Seasons I lived off of that for 3 months. When I arrived in CA from living in Iowa, I had 8 dollars to name. Financially and emotionally I was a mess....-then I met Dean.
Dean changed my life. He made every bad thing I went through worth it because I finally had someone who authentically loved me. Once the love part of my life got sorted out, I got my job at Legends and started to truly rebuild my life. The rest is history. On January 30th, 2010 Dean proposed to me and what followed was the craziest and most emotional ride of my life- but it led up to my Wedding.
Without being too mushy I will just say that I am the happiest I have ever been and my life is so fulfilling and meaningful because of the people in it.
To my Mom and Dad- I love you more than words could ever say and credit you both to determining what kind of person I have become.
To my Family- As I get older I feel like I get to know everyone better and I am excited to see what the years have in store for us. I love you.
To my Friends both New and Old- I am so grateful for your presence in my life, whether it is over the phone in a text/call, on the internet, in a game, or in person- I love you guys too.
"I need a purpose and I need a reason, I need to know there is trophy and meaning to all we lose and all we fight for-to all our loves and our wars."
I found beautiful purpose and reason in my life, in all of you and more so in myself. I intend on holding onto it with both hands for another decade, and many more to come. Here's to 2011.
Cheers.
-Jennifer Noelle Johnson
Monday, December 27, 2010
Wander(lust)
Out of places to visit for his birthday Dean and I have landed on Seattle, WA. We went to Portland in 2008 and it was fantastic so it's only natural to want to visit someplace with a similar climate.
As far as the cost to fly/stay, it will be about the same. I get travel agent discounts on hotels and my Mother in Law gets a discount on cheap airfare.
In Seattle we would go to:
-Pikes Place
-Science Museum and see the Battlestar Galactica exhibit
-Go to Woodland Zoo
-Find some awesome dive bars/restaurants
-Pioneer Square
-Underground walking tour
-Space Needle
-Olympic Sculpture Park
-Take a tour to Mt. Rainier
There's a ton to do there, and now that things are a lot more settled down after the Wedding and the Holidays, we can start to save money to go. I have to take a look at the price of possibly renting a car (plus there is that nasty nasty fee for parking in the city (like $20 bucks per day) but it is at the very least fun to think of a quick getaway. Yes, we just got back from Tahiti last month, but that is not as busy/touristy as other places.
If at all possible, next year I would like to go to Florida and go the Universal Studios there to visit the Harry Potter theme park. I wish we could afford it, but we cant. :(
All for now :)
As far as the cost to fly/stay, it will be about the same. I get travel agent discounts on hotels and my Mother in Law gets a discount on cheap airfare.
In Seattle we would go to:
-Pikes Place
-Science Museum and see the Battlestar Galactica exhibit
-Go to Woodland Zoo
-Find some awesome dive bars/restaurants
-Pioneer Square
-Underground walking tour
-Space Needle
-Olympic Sculpture Park
-Take a tour to Mt. Rainier
There's a ton to do there, and now that things are a lot more settled down after the Wedding and the Holidays, we can start to save money to go. I have to take a look at the price of possibly renting a car (plus there is that nasty nasty fee for parking in the city (like $20 bucks per day) but it is at the very least fun to think of a quick getaway. Yes, we just got back from Tahiti last month, but that is not as busy/touristy as other places.
If at all possible, next year I would like to go to Florida and go the Universal Studios there to visit the Harry Potter theme park. I wish we could afford it, but we cant. :(
All for now :)
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Cohabitation vs Marriage and Why I am glad I didn't marry at 19
Cohabitants: No matter how great your relationship is and how much you love each other, you are not financially, legally, socially, and emotionally bound to each other. You still have an out if you should ever need one. Your finances are separate, if you were to split there would be details to iron out but not quite the enmeshed unraveling that comes with divorce.
I cohabitated with a man for a year and a half when I was 19. The road we had paved for ourselves was marriage, but apparently he didn’t actually want to go through with that. That is the one thing out of the whole experience that I truly am grateful for more than anything else.
See, my 19 year old self was so naive and romantic that even though I had been hurt before at this age I still believed that when someone said they loved me- that meant unequivocally that they loved me forever; and as much as I loved them. (Go ahead and laugh, call me a sucker). I believed in this so strongly that I moved 1,827 miles from my home, my family, and the few friends I had in order to be with someone that I believed was 'the' one. We had only dated 1 month. The sad part about all of this, is that at that age, I didn’t really wait for the other shoe to drop so to speak. I didn’t calculate the risks, or have doubts, I just knew I loved him and threw caution to the wind thinking that love was enough. Sorry folks, I’m here to tell you that that old adage is completely untrue. It should read “Reciprocated love is all you need” ah la the Beatles. I really took who and what people were at face value and believed that what they said to be the truth and I adhered to it as if it were the gospel. You said you love me? Alright, you love me and I believe in that with every fiber of my being and thus will defend anything that conflicts with that. Little did I expect that conflict would come from the person that I desperately was trying to hold onto.
I cannot imagine if I would have stayed around and had that spiral become my entire life. I was truly lost and so completely sad. Sure, the first six months were great. The next year that I lived there with him was spent trying to ignore the true person that had emerged and attempting to revert back to how things were before. I was willing to be an emotional punching bag because “he loved me”. It’s really quite sick when you dissect it. Why is it so hard to leave a bad relationship? Let’s say you have cancer- you don’t get the news from a Doctor and then say, “I’m just going to hang out and do nothing with my cancer for another year to see if things get better.” You rid it from your life with violent bursts of radiation therapy. Well, my radiation therapy came late one night when I was on our old brown couch and it came swiftly. I wept for my Mommy. Literally, that was what I said in between sobs. Being home was the only thing that would make it all okay. I made one of the most humiliating phone calls of my life. After that, I packed my life into two suitcases, went to the airport, and flew home. I received several other kicks while I was down when I arrived home, but I rebuilt. No one can tell me it’s impossible to do, because I did it. I worked at a Nail salon filling pedicure bowls and sweeping the floor. Adjusting to this was truly difficult from my job as a Preschool teacher. I was humiliated again, but I kept going. Then one night I was on Instant Messenger, and received an IM from someone whose name I recognized- and had one of the best conversations I have ever had. That man, turned out to be my Husband.
My 25 year old self knows that relationships are hard, dirty work. There are days when you want to slap the person you love just for existing. There are bad days at work, bad moods, and turmoil with family. Where you end up after that is all that matters. I realize now that my 19 year old self was not dumb for movin or for rushing into things quickly- but I was dumb for doing that all with someone that I knew in my gut was not right for me. He was just my means to an end. I had no job, no friends, no one that cared if I left. Here was this man who promised me a new life, new friends, and at face value- security. Sure, the other things were good but he didn’t ever make me feel safe, comfortable, or secure. And when you are out of sight, you are out of mind. All the hugs I was greeted with at shows didn’t mean anything either. I was expendable- despite what words were being said. My 25 year old self has no patience for that. I would rather have the hard truth, the hard conversation than all the lies and bullshit that surround relationships when they are new.
I have spent the past 4 years with my new Husband, and I am still constantly learning from him. Not just about him, but about relationships, about love, and about friendship. Every day I love him more. He told me very early on in our relationship that he would always have my back and I am proud to say that that is true. He is the most loyal, and loving person I know. We have walked through hell together. Through tragedy, through anguish, through joy, through loss of employment and just through overall craziness. He has always been a constant. I have never had to wonder where he was at in our relationship. Yes, it was hard to retrain myself to believe and trust everything that he said to me, but I have never regretted it. After all, when I was the most jaded, I got the greatest surprise of my life- true love. The 25 year old in me knows that if I hadn’t been cut down in the first place, I wouldn’t have spoken to Dean that night, and it is very likely he would have found another, and we may not have as easily made our way to each other.
Growing up isn’t all bad I suppose.
I cohabitated with a man for a year and a half when I was 19. The road we had paved for ourselves was marriage, but apparently he didn’t actually want to go through with that. That is the one thing out of the whole experience that I truly am grateful for more than anything else.
See, my 19 year old self was so naive and romantic that even though I had been hurt before at this age I still believed that when someone said they loved me- that meant unequivocally that they loved me forever; and as much as I loved them. (Go ahead and laugh, call me a sucker). I believed in this so strongly that I moved 1,827 miles from my home, my family, and the few friends I had in order to be with someone that I believed was 'the' one. We had only dated 1 month. The sad part about all of this, is that at that age, I didn’t really wait for the other shoe to drop so to speak. I didn’t calculate the risks, or have doubts, I just knew I loved him and threw caution to the wind thinking that love was enough. Sorry folks, I’m here to tell you that that old adage is completely untrue. It should read “Reciprocated love is all you need” ah la the Beatles. I really took who and what people were at face value and believed that what they said to be the truth and I adhered to it as if it were the gospel. You said you love me? Alright, you love me and I believe in that with every fiber of my being and thus will defend anything that conflicts with that. Little did I expect that conflict would come from the person that I desperately was trying to hold onto.
I cannot imagine if I would have stayed around and had that spiral become my entire life. I was truly lost and so completely sad. Sure, the first six months were great. The next year that I lived there with him was spent trying to ignore the true person that had emerged and attempting to revert back to how things were before. I was willing to be an emotional punching bag because “he loved me”. It’s really quite sick when you dissect it. Why is it so hard to leave a bad relationship? Let’s say you have cancer- you don’t get the news from a Doctor and then say, “I’m just going to hang out and do nothing with my cancer for another year to see if things get better.” You rid it from your life with violent bursts of radiation therapy. Well, my radiation therapy came late one night when I was on our old brown couch and it came swiftly. I wept for my Mommy. Literally, that was what I said in between sobs. Being home was the only thing that would make it all okay. I made one of the most humiliating phone calls of my life. After that, I packed my life into two suitcases, went to the airport, and flew home. I received several other kicks while I was down when I arrived home, but I rebuilt. No one can tell me it’s impossible to do, because I did it. I worked at a Nail salon filling pedicure bowls and sweeping the floor. Adjusting to this was truly difficult from my job as a Preschool teacher. I was humiliated again, but I kept going. Then one night I was on Instant Messenger, and received an IM from someone whose name I recognized- and had one of the best conversations I have ever had. That man, turned out to be my Husband.
My 25 year old self knows that relationships are hard, dirty work. There are days when you want to slap the person you love just for existing. There are bad days at work, bad moods, and turmoil with family. Where you end up after that is all that matters. I realize now that my 19 year old self was not dumb for movin or for rushing into things quickly- but I was dumb for doing that all with someone that I knew in my gut was not right for me. He was just my means to an end. I had no job, no friends, no one that cared if I left. Here was this man who promised me a new life, new friends, and at face value- security. Sure, the other things were good but he didn’t ever make me feel safe, comfortable, or secure. And when you are out of sight, you are out of mind. All the hugs I was greeted with at shows didn’t mean anything either. I was expendable- despite what words were being said. My 25 year old self has no patience for that. I would rather have the hard truth, the hard conversation than all the lies and bullshit that surround relationships when they are new.
I have spent the past 4 years with my new Husband, and I am still constantly learning from him. Not just about him, but about relationships, about love, and about friendship. Every day I love him more. He told me very early on in our relationship that he would always have my back and I am proud to say that that is true. He is the most loyal, and loving person I know. We have walked through hell together. Through tragedy, through anguish, through joy, through loss of employment and just through overall craziness. He has always been a constant. I have never had to wonder where he was at in our relationship. Yes, it was hard to retrain myself to believe and trust everything that he said to me, but I have never regretted it. After all, when I was the most jaded, I got the greatest surprise of my life- true love. The 25 year old in me knows that if I hadn’t been cut down in the first place, I wouldn’t have spoken to Dean that night, and it is very likely he would have found another, and we may not have as easily made our way to each other.
Growing up isn’t all bad I suppose.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
A note to a "Father" from his "Daughter"
Throughout this wedding planning process, I have realized many things; about myself, my friends, and my family. When I learned the truth about you and inevitably learned of your passing I experienced many different emotions. There was anger, saddness, denial with a quick jaunt over to acceptance.
How can I mourn for someone that never mourned for me? It was your selfishness and your erratic behavior that turned me away in the first place. I admit it, at first, when I was on my way to meet you, I wanted you to be successful and handsome, and put together. I wanted everything that happened between you and my Mom to be a mistake that you could look back on with the realization that you were wrong, and you were sorry. That dream was tossed to the side pretty quickly after meeting you. You lied to my face. You tried to convey that you still loved her, and never loved another woman the way you loved her. I was THIRTEEN. You had JUST met your daughter and you chose that time to pledge your love for a woman that sure, you knew once for a few months- but you have no idea who she is. You had no idea who I was. I wanted to be so angry with you. I wanted to scream and shout and cry that I didn't even have a choice to be there when you died. It wouldn't have changed anything, but maybe I could have at least gained some closure with you and you could have died knowing that I dont hate you. I shouldn't have said that.
And while you made absolutely no effort to be a part of my life in the 20 years of it that you were alive...
I want to thank you.
Thank you for giving me and Mom the space that allowed me to grow up in a loving and positive environment. Thank you for staying away and missing out on the key moments of my life- because you chose that, my Mom has been able to find true happiness with someone that treats her the way she has always deserved. Because you stayed away I grew up knowing that no matter what I did, and how far I fell, my Mom would always be there for me and I was safe.
I'm sure our distance was not something that you orchestrated for my benefit- but now that you are gone and unable to prove me wrong, I would sort of like to pretend that it was. You didn't give me anything in life except for a teddy bear and a little angel figurine where you called me 'Daddy's Angel'. I'd like to pretend that you knew that by staying away you would be doing the best thing possible for me. My Step-Dad and I have a bond that you and I could have never shared, because I know that even if their Marriage dissipated I would still have a Dad out there who wanted to be a part of my life. A Dad who knows my favorite bands, my hopes, my dreams, and how much I love the man I am going to marry. I have searched my heart and I am so thankful that I never had to face the disappointment I had in you more than once. My Dad Brett has never let me down, and I know that he never would. I write that with tears in my eyes because it is still new and wonderful to me to be loved by someone who CHOSE to love me- not someone who was attached to me by blood. Blood didn't really account for much when it came to our relationship Richard.
To summarize- I hope that you found peace before you died. I saw that you had a Fiance, and even though I have my doubts about her, I hope that she made you happy. I hope that the years of your life were not filled with terrible misery and that you found joy somewhere down the road, as I have. Rest assured, that my peace came when I was shown what a real Father was. It's because of you that I know the value of that gift, and so from the bottom of my heart again- thank you.
Your Daughter,
Jennifer Noelle Coulter
How can I mourn for someone that never mourned for me? It was your selfishness and your erratic behavior that turned me away in the first place. I admit it, at first, when I was on my way to meet you, I wanted you to be successful and handsome, and put together. I wanted everything that happened between you and my Mom to be a mistake that you could look back on with the realization that you were wrong, and you were sorry. That dream was tossed to the side pretty quickly after meeting you. You lied to my face. You tried to convey that you still loved her, and never loved another woman the way you loved her. I was THIRTEEN. You had JUST met your daughter and you chose that time to pledge your love for a woman that sure, you knew once for a few months- but you have no idea who she is. You had no idea who I was. I wanted to be so angry with you. I wanted to scream and shout and cry that I didn't even have a choice to be there when you died. It wouldn't have changed anything, but maybe I could have at least gained some closure with you and you could have died knowing that I dont hate you. I shouldn't have said that.
And while you made absolutely no effort to be a part of my life in the 20 years of it that you were alive...
I want to thank you.
Thank you for giving me and Mom the space that allowed me to grow up in a loving and positive environment. Thank you for staying away and missing out on the key moments of my life- because you chose that, my Mom has been able to find true happiness with someone that treats her the way she has always deserved. Because you stayed away I grew up knowing that no matter what I did, and how far I fell, my Mom would always be there for me and I was safe.
I'm sure our distance was not something that you orchestrated for my benefit- but now that you are gone and unable to prove me wrong, I would sort of like to pretend that it was. You didn't give me anything in life except for a teddy bear and a little angel figurine where you called me 'Daddy's Angel'. I'd like to pretend that you knew that by staying away you would be doing the best thing possible for me. My Step-Dad and I have a bond that you and I could have never shared, because I know that even if their Marriage dissipated I would still have a Dad out there who wanted to be a part of my life. A Dad who knows my favorite bands, my hopes, my dreams, and how much I love the man I am going to marry. I have searched my heart and I am so thankful that I never had to face the disappointment I had in you more than once. My Dad Brett has never let me down, and I know that he never would. I write that with tears in my eyes because it is still new and wonderful to me to be loved by someone who CHOSE to love me- not someone who was attached to me by blood. Blood didn't really account for much when it came to our relationship Richard.
To summarize- I hope that you found peace before you died. I saw that you had a Fiance, and even though I have my doubts about her, I hope that she made you happy. I hope that the years of your life were not filled with terrible misery and that you found joy somewhere down the road, as I have. Rest assured, that my peace came when I was shown what a real Father was. It's because of you that I know the value of that gift, and so from the bottom of my heart again- thank you.
Your Daughter,
Jennifer Noelle Coulter
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Love.
My Wedding is in 48 days. Honeymoon in 50. Things are constantly happening in my life and this has been such a weird and beautiful experience. Sure, there's been drama- but when isn't there when planning an event?
When I created this blog in the first place, I chose the title "And I will not be afraid to love" because when Dean and I's relationship started, I was terrified of it. This was my active way to write down my thoughts and to start fresh. When I say terrified, I mean the sort of mind-numbing, all consuming, irrational fear. It was horrible to think of the hurt I could end up experiencing, to the point that I was sabotaging my new relationship. I had been through enough hurt and just couldn't fathom the idea of going through any more. It was when I saw how deeply committed Dean was to me that my fears vanished.I let it all go.
Dean saw Permanence in each other, and that also scared me. Would 'forever' really be forever this time? I asked him explicitly when we began our relationship to not promise me anything. I didn't want any more broken promises in my life. I am proud to say that over time he did start promising me things, and he has never let me down. Not once. Besides my Father, he is the only man that I completely trust. I had thought and subsequently felt that things were 'forever' with a man before him, and would have sworn up and down that what I had was real. Truthfully, it was only real because I had wanted it to be. I wanted desperately for someone to see me, love me, and accept me- no matter what. That is how I love, and it was naive to expect the same from someone else. The 'bigger picture' of my life has needed someone who would not only love me completely (for the good and bad) but someone who matched me with the same level of commitment.
Some have called this sort of love and forgiveness a weakness- Well let me tell you, it takes a hell of a lot more work to build bridges than it does to burn them. Forgiving someone is quite difficult if they have hurt you deeply.
It's been 4 years and we are still incredibly happy. Read that again: happy. Not some contrite explanation of 'zomg we are so in love and no one will match our love'...we are just happy together.Before you start singing the Turtles- no, we are not always happy with each other, but the way but to make a relationship last, you have got to be devoted to making it work. If you are not willing to put in the time and effort, you may as well call it quits right now. You have to expect that you will piss each other off sometimes (or a lot of times). There will be nights when you are trying to sleep to prepare for that important meeting in the morning, and the person you love is snoring and you begin to contemplate suffocating them with a pillow. Things are not always easy, but if you truly love someone- it's always worth it.
I had heard 'I love you, just not in the way you want me to" before Dean, and truth be told, I really didn't get it at the time. Looking back on it, I understand. What's more, is that I see that I didn't really love them the way that I thought I did. I loved the idea of being in love with them, and I loved their qualities, but it wasn't an all consuming unconditional love. With Dean, even when I am angry at him, and frustrated I know that there is no one else for me. I know that he wont leave me because I am not perfect. I know that he isn't lusting for anyone else in any way, shape, or form. But the best thing that I have 100% confidence in, is that no matter what is thrown our way, we will rise up and meet it together. It has been that way for the past years of our relationship, and our Marriage will only strengthen that bond.
When I created this blog in the first place, I chose the title "And I will not be afraid to love" because when Dean and I's relationship started, I was terrified of it. This was my active way to write down my thoughts and to start fresh. When I say terrified, I mean the sort of mind-numbing, all consuming, irrational fear. It was horrible to think of the hurt I could end up experiencing, to the point that I was sabotaging my new relationship. I had been through enough hurt and just couldn't fathom the idea of going through any more. It was when I saw how deeply committed Dean was to me that my fears vanished.I let it all go.
Dean saw Permanence in each other, and that also scared me. Would 'forever' really be forever this time? I asked him explicitly when we began our relationship to not promise me anything. I didn't want any more broken promises in my life. I am proud to say that over time he did start promising me things, and he has never let me down. Not once. Besides my Father, he is the only man that I completely trust. I had thought and subsequently felt that things were 'forever' with a man before him, and would have sworn up and down that what I had was real. Truthfully, it was only real because I had wanted it to be. I wanted desperately for someone to see me, love me, and accept me- no matter what. That is how I love, and it was naive to expect the same from someone else. The 'bigger picture' of my life has needed someone who would not only love me completely (for the good and bad) but someone who matched me with the same level of commitment.
Some have called this sort of love and forgiveness a weakness- Well let me tell you, it takes a hell of a lot more work to build bridges than it does to burn them. Forgiving someone is quite difficult if they have hurt you deeply.
It's been 4 years and we are still incredibly happy. Read that again: happy. Not some contrite explanation of 'zomg we are so in love and no one will match our love'...we are just happy together.Before you start singing the Turtles- no, we are not always happy with each other, but the way but to make a relationship last, you have got to be devoted to making it work. If you are not willing to put in the time and effort, you may as well call it quits right now. You have to expect that you will piss each other off sometimes (or a lot of times). There will be nights when you are trying to sleep to prepare for that important meeting in the morning, and the person you love is snoring and you begin to contemplate suffocating them with a pillow. Things are not always easy, but if you truly love someone- it's always worth it.
I had heard 'I love you, just not in the way you want me to" before Dean, and truth be told, I really didn't get it at the time. Looking back on it, I understand. What's more, is that I see that I didn't really love them the way that I thought I did. I loved the idea of being in love with them, and I loved their qualities, but it wasn't an all consuming unconditional love. With Dean, even when I am angry at him, and frustrated I know that there is no one else for me. I know that he wont leave me because I am not perfect. I know that he isn't lusting for anyone else in any way, shape, or form. But the best thing that I have 100% confidence in, is that no matter what is thrown our way, we will rise up and meet it together. It has been that way for the past years of our relationship, and our Marriage will only strengthen that bond.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Mending fences with the one you love
bending puzzle pieces just to fit
into the picture that you've preordained
And I will surrender, I have surrendered to all of this.
I could whittle myself a boat
and float it on a sea of tears
when I was good enough, have I ever been good enough..
But I will surrender, I have surrendered to all of this.
This quiet will bring me to my knees
and up from my feet to my eyes
Beaten down is this lark on a wing
And I will surrender, I have surrendered to all of this.
bending puzzle pieces just to fit
into the picture that you've preordained
And I will surrender, I have surrendered to all of this.
I could whittle myself a boat
and float it on a sea of tears
when I was good enough, have I ever been good enough..
But I will surrender, I have surrendered to all of this.
This quiet will bring me to my knees
and up from my feet to my eyes
Beaten down is this lark on a wing
And I will surrender, I have surrendered to all of this.
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