Love.

My Wedding is in 48 days. Honeymoon in 50. Things are constantly happening in my life and this has been such a weird and beautiful experience. Sure, there's been drama- but when isn't there when planning an event?

When I created this blog in the first place, I chose the title "And I will not be afraid to love" because when Dean and I's relationship started, I was terrified of it. This was my active way to write down my thoughts and to start fresh. When I say terrified, I mean the sort of mind-numbing, all consuming, irrational fear. It was horrible to think of the hurt I could end up experiencing, to the point that I was sabotaging my new relationship. I had been through enough hurt and just couldn't fathom the idea of going through any more. It was when I saw how deeply committed Dean was to me that my fears vanished.I let it all go.

Dean saw Permanence in each other, and that also scared me. Would 'forever' really be forever this time? I asked him explicitly when we began our relationship to not promise me anything. I didn't want any more broken promises in my life. I am proud to say that over time he did start promising me things, and he has never let me down. Not once. Besides my Father, he is the only man that I completely trust. I had thought and subsequently felt that things were 'forever' with a man before him, and would have sworn up and down that what I had was real. Truthfully, it was only real because I had wanted it to be. I wanted desperately for someone to see me, love me, and accept me- no matter what. That is how I love, and it was naive to expect the same from someone else. The 'bigger picture' of my life has needed someone who would not only love me completely (for the good and bad) but someone who matched me with the same level of commitment.

Some have called this sort of love and forgiveness a weakness- Well let me tell you, it takes a hell of a lot more work to build bridges than it does to burn them. Forgiving someone is quite difficult if they have hurt you deeply.

It's been 4 years and we are still incredibly happy. Read that again: happy. Not some contrite explanation of 'zomg we are so in love and no one will match our love'...we are just happy together.Before you start singing the Turtles- no, we are not always happy with each other, but the way but to make a relationship last, you have got to be devoted to making it work. If you are not willing to put in the time and effort, you may as well call it quits right now. You have to expect that you will piss each other off sometimes (or a lot of times). There will be nights when you are trying to sleep to prepare for that important meeting in the morning, and the person you love is snoring and you begin to contemplate suffocating them with a pillow. Things are not always easy, but if you truly love someone- it's always worth it.

I had heard 'I love you, just not in the way you want me to" before Dean, and truth be told, I really didn't get it at the time. Looking back on it, I understand. What's more, is that I see that I didn't really love them the way that I thought I did. I loved the idea of being in love with them, and I loved their qualities, but it wasn't an all consuming unconditional love. With Dean, even when I am angry at him, and frustrated I know that there is no one else for me. I know that he wont leave me because I am not perfect. I know that he isn't lusting for anyone else in any way, shape, or form. But the best thing that I have 100% confidence in, is that no matter what is thrown our way, we will rise up and meet it together. It has been that way for the past years of our relationship, and our Marriage will only strengthen that bond.