A note to a "Father" from his "Daughter"

Throughout this wedding planning process, I have realized many things; about myself, my friends, and my family. When I learned the truth about you and inevitably learned of your passing I experienced many different emotions. There was anger, saddness, denial with a quick jaunt over to acceptance.

How can I mourn for someone that never mourned for me? It was your selfishness and your erratic behavior that turned me away in the first place. I admit it, at first, when I was on my way to meet you, I wanted you to be successful and handsome, and put together. I wanted everything that happened between you and my Mom to be a mistake that you could look back on with the realization that you were wrong, and you were sorry. That dream was tossed to the side pretty quickly after meeting you. You lied to my face. You tried to convey that you still loved her, and never loved another woman the way you loved her. I was THIRTEEN. You had JUST met your daughter and you chose that time to pledge your love for a woman that sure, you knew once for a few months- but you have no idea who she is. You had no idea who I was. I wanted to be so angry with you. I wanted to scream and shout and cry that I didn't even have a choice to be there when you died. It wouldn't have changed anything, but maybe I could have at least gained some closure with you and you could have died knowing that I dont hate you. I shouldn't have said that.

And while you made absolutely no effort to be a part of my life in the 20 years of it that you were alive...

I want to thank you.

Thank you for giving me and Mom the space that allowed me to grow up in a loving and positive environment. Thank you for staying away and missing out on the key moments of my life- because you chose that, my Mom has been able to find true happiness with someone that treats her the way she has always deserved. Because you stayed away I grew up knowing that no matter what I did, and how far I fell, my Mom would always be there for me and I was safe.

I'm sure our distance was not something that you orchestrated for my benefit- but now that you are gone and unable to prove me wrong, I would sort of like to pretend that it was. You didn't give me anything in life except for a teddy bear and a little angel figurine where you called me 'Daddy's Angel'. I'd like to pretend that you knew that by staying away you would be doing the best thing possible for me. My Step-Dad and I have a bond that you and I could have never shared, because I know that even if their Marriage dissipated I would still have a Dad out there who wanted to be a part of my life. A Dad who knows my favorite bands, my hopes, my dreams, and how much I love the man I am going to marry. I have searched my heart and I am so thankful that I never had to face the disappointment I had in you more than once. My Dad Brett has never let me down, and I know that he never would. I write that with tears in my eyes because it is still new and wonderful to me to be loved by someone who CHOSE to love me- not someone who was attached to me by blood. Blood didn't really account for much when it came to our relationship Richard.

To summarize- I hope that you found peace before you died. I saw that you had a Fiance, and even though I have my doubts about her, I hope that she made you happy. I hope that the years of your life were not filled with terrible misery and that you found joy somewhere down the road, as I have. Rest assured, that my peace came when I was shown what a real Father was. It's because of you that I know the value of that gift, and so from the bottom of my heart again- thank you.

Your Daughter,

Jennifer Noelle Coulter